STATIONBREAK.CA

Devion's Views #184

                                         ORANGE AND BLACK 
                                              (posted May 20, 2019)

                                   Re-creation of a Recent Event

Where?  A mansion in Toronto.

  

When?  Mid-May 2019.

   

Why?  Read on...  

Ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring...

Butler: Lord Crossharbour residence.

Female voice: This is a call from the President.

Butler: Pardon?

Female voice: The President wishes to speak to the Lord.

Butler: Which one?

Female voice: Which one what?

Butler: Which president?

Female voice: The greatest one ever, you idiot, now stop playing silly word games and put him on, the President doesn't have all day.

Butler: One moment, please.

Butler: Lord Black, a call for you, sir.

Black: Who is it?

Butler: Somebody called the great one.

Black: Why would Wayne Gretzky be calling me?

Butler: Who is Wayne Gretzky, sir?

Black: Never mind, give me the phone.

Black: Wayne, it's Conrad, how are you?

Voice: It's not Wayne, It's Donald.

Conrad: Donald who? My man-servant told me it was the Great One.

Voice: Yes I am and everybody knows it. I called to tell you, you're pardoned.

Conrad: For what?

Voice: For that little scheme you pulled off. The one that had you spend 42 months in a Florida slammer. 

Conrad: Listen carefully, whoever you are, with the voice that sounds just like President Trump, I do not care if you are Alec Baldwin, Rich Little or some other imposter. I do not countenance being pranked. You and whoever put you up to this will be sued.

Voice: Conrad, stop yelling, calm down. It's really me, Donald Trump, the greatest President of the United States. It's about your book, the one I haven't had time to read. People who did, tell me it's super-flattering about me and suggested I should give you a pardon. 

Conrad: What people?

Voice: Kissinger, Elton John, Rush Limbaugh and others. The guys who like to read thick books.

Conrad (suddenly realizing it really is Fat Donnie): Mr. President, please sir, excuse me. I assumed this was somebody from the CBC trying to trick and embarrass me on-air, one of their juvenile journalistic pranks.

The President: What's the CBC?

Conrad: One of Canada's media networks, like your CNN or MSNBC; full of left-leaning poltroons.

Donald (smiling): I used to play those tricks, back in the day, using a disguised voice to fool the newspaper reporters into writing something wonderful about me. It took them a long time to catch on.

Donald (beginning to rant): With the exception of Fox news, they're all fake news. I demand people be super-loyal and say nice things about me. Loyalty is really important for people like us. Being a TV star, I'm addicted and watch them all. I golf every week and my personal doctor tells everybody I'm in the best physical condition of any President in history. But I digress, what convinced me to give you a pardon was finding out you also were betrayed by a rat-fink; Radler ratted you out to avoid jail time. My former fixer/lawyer, a despicable, disloyal rat-fink, spilled his guts to Mueller. He's in the slammer writing a book about it. It makes me crazy that he only got three and a half years. Can't wait 'till my second term and one of my loyal judges gets to retry his ass...bye-bye Michael you rat. We will then burn all copies of his book.

Donald (as the rant continues his face colour morphing from light-orange to crimson-red): And, while I think of it, if we are to remain friends, never again mention the name of that no-talent, has-been, two-bit, so-called actor-comedian, Alec Baldwin! And who the hell is the other guy you mentioned, Rich Little? If he's also impersonating me, the greatest president ever, his name goes on the "list".

Conrad: Mr. President, please calm down sir, he's nobody important, not worth pursuing.

Donald: Sarah is preparing a press release announcing the full pardon. What do we call you? She's listening...

Conrad: Sir, my full name is Conrad Moffat Black. My title, Baron Black of Crossharbour, KCSG, or, The Right Honourable, The Lord Black of Crossharbour, KCSG. Either will suffice.

Donald: Geez, Conrad, that's a real mouthful of suffice. You're Canadian right?

Conrad: By birth sir, but not anymore. I was forced to give up my Canadian citizenship in 2001 and became a British citizen in order to become a Lord.

Donald: So that's how you pulled that off. After I win my second term, I'm changing my title from President to Emperor. Maybe I'll even add Lord to Emperor and give the new title a royal touch.

Conrad: Most appropriate, Mr. President. That would place you in the company of another famous man, Louis XIV, King of France who was quoted as saying "L'Etat c'est moi", meaning "I am the State", as you would be when you become Emperor.

Donald: I like that, thank you for bringing it to my attention. I'll use the quote at a rally.

Conrad: I am deeply moved by your kind gesture of a presidential pardon. I would forever be in your debt if it were possible for you to also lean on Justin and persuade him to restore my Canadian citizenship and my Order of Canada. It would be most appropriate now in light of your decision to wipe away the malicious, miscarriage of justice that stained my reputation and honour. Despite the judgement of the jury and the Appeal court, I hold no malice towards them, because the complexities of the case were well beyond their comprehension.

Donald: Consider it done. A gift from a budding Lord Emperor to a Lord. And Conrad, now that you're free to travel here, come have lunch at the White House. I'll show you the uniforms I've designed to wear at the inauguration, formal events and parades. My Cabinet all praised these as the best uniforms ever designed by a great leader, in the history of the world.

Conrad: I look forward to it Mr. President. Thank you again sir and please accept my sincere apology for the confusion at the beginning of our phone call. As the cover of my book proclaims, you are a President like no other.

Phone call ends. 

Donald to Sarah: Geez, what a word-nerd. When he comes for lunch I'm going to need an interpreter. Quickly, remind me, what the hell does countenance, poltroons, malice and suffice mean?

Conrad to butler: Summon Lady Black of Crossharbour, my faithful man-servant, get our official Lords-robes out of storage.  We are going to celebrate my vindication, just as I predicted, courtesy of a President, like no other.

Just one moral to extract from this sordid tale:  Like Louis XIV, there is nothing this Emperor likes so much as flattery, or, to put it plainly, adulation; the coarser and clumsier it is, the more he relishes it.

Hitler's buddy Benito Mussolini once observed "Facism should more appropriately be called Corporatism because it is a merger of state and corporate power".

Today's variation: The fate of the world now resides in the hands of Trump, his despotic pals and the one percent. 

That should concern us all... echoes of the 1930's.

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it" - George Santayana, philosopher, poet, essayist and novelist.

Scary question:

How many madmen does it take to destroy the planet?

Scary answer:

With today's weapons, only one. 

And that, dear reader, is not reassuring.

For a few days, take a deep breath, ignore the madness and enjoy what's left of the Victoria Day long weekend. 

Ron Devion, No Guts, No Glory